"But I shouldn’t have to..."
You may have found yourself in a common thinking loop:
"I shouldn't have to tell my friend what to get me for a gift. If they were really my friend they would know."
"I shouldn't have to tell my partner how to love me."
"I shouldn't have to ask my spouse to take out the trash. It's obvious."
"I shouldn't have to tell my sibling they hurt my feelings--they should know."
If you knew me you should know I never meant the comment that way."
The list can go on.
Behind every critique lays a wish, want, or desire. Negative emotions are a clue that we have an unmet or unfulfilled need.
When you express this hidden desire directly, it's more likely your needs will get met and fulfilled.
⟡ When we use the terms "should" and "shouldn't," we're often referring to an idealized version of how things could or should be.
⟡ These ideals aren't always realistic or reflective of our current reality.
⟡ By focusing solely on what "should" be, we often overlook the actual circumstances we're facing.
⟡ By acknowledging and accepting the present situation, including its complexities and challenges, we can effectively address it.
⟡ This means recognizing what is happening in our lives rather than what we wish or expect to happen.
⟡ Instead of saying "should" or "shouldn't" try replacing it with "want" and "would like" to acknowledge the validity of your desires and preferences without imposing judgment or criticism.
In relationships, it's common for one person, let's call them person A, to expect their partner, person B, to do certain things naturally without being asked. This expectation stems from A's own habits and beliefs about how things should be done. However, it's important to recognize that A and B might have different ways of thinking and approaching situations. They may not share the same expectations or views on love, partnership, or friendship.
When A realizes that B doesn't meet their expectations, it can be a source of hurt and disappointment. This dissapontment can feel heavy as it stems from the realization that they're not on the same page with someone they deeply care about and want to trust. This disconnect can lead to feelings of frustration and sadness as they navigate the differences in their perspectives and behaviors.
More on person A and person B:
In any relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or familial, there's often an implicit understanding of how things should be done based on individual values, experiences, and cultural norms. This understanding forms the basis of our expectations for how others should behave in certain situations. For example, if person A believes strongly in acts of service as expressions of love, they might naturally expect their partner, person B, to perform thoughtful gestures without being prompted.
However, what A might fail to realize is that B may have a completely different set of beliefs or heuristics guiding their actions. B might prioritize quality time or verbal affirmations over acts of service, leading them to not instinctively perform the same actions that A would expect. These differences in perspectives can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts within the relationship.
When A realizes that B isn't meeting their expectations, it can be a jarring moment of realization. It's not just about feeling let down; it's about recognizing a fundamental misalignment in how they perceive and approach their relationship. This realization can shake the foundation of trust and security that A has built with B, leaving them questioning the depth of their connection and compatibility.
Moreover, this discrepancy in expectations can be particularly painful because it highlights the vulnerability inherent in relationships. A wants to believe that they are fully understood and accepted by B, and vice versa. Discovering that they aren't on the same page can challenge this belief and leave A feeling exposed and uncertain about the future of their relationship.
Ultimately, navigating these differences requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to compromise. It's an opportunity for A and B to explore and understand each other's perspectives more deeply, fostering greater understanding and connection in the process. It's a journey of growth and learning that can ultimately strengthen their bond if approached with patience, compassion, and mutual respect.
"My partner should know the laundry needed to be done. I shouldn't have to ask them."
Your desire for someone to take initiative, such as doing the laundry without being asked, is completely understandable and valid. It reflects your expectations and hopes for how they might contribute to the household or relationship. However, it's also crucial to recognize the reality of the current situation. If they're not doing the laundry without prompting, that's the situation you're faced with at the moment. Acknowledging this reality allows for a more honest and productive discussion about expectations, communication, and finding solutions together.
"I shouldn't have to tell my sibling they hurt my feelings. They know what they did."
It's natural and valid to desire respectful and supportive treatment from a loved one, such as wanting your sibling to treat you well. Your feelings of hurt in response to any mistreatment or disappointment are also valid and deserve acknowledgment. By acknowledging these feelings, we can begin to understand their impact and explore ways to address them. Sitting with the hurt doesn't mean accepting it as inevitable or enduring it silently; instead, it involves allowing ourselves to experience and process those emotions as part of our healing journey.
When we talk about "sitting with the hurt," we're acknowledging the pain or discomfort we may be experiencing without immediately trying to fix or suppress it. It's about allowing ourselves to fully experience our emotions, even the difficult ones, without judgment or resistance. This process is an essential part of emotional healing and growth.
Here's why it's valuable:
Acknowledging the Emotion: By sitting with our hurt, we're acknowledging its presence and giving ourselves permission to feel it fully. This acknowledgment is the first step toward understanding and processing our emotions.
Understanding the Root Cause or Tender Spot: Allowing ourselves to experience our emotions helps us understand their underlying causes. It might uncover past experiences, triggers, or unmet needs contributing to our current feelings.
Validating Our Experience: When we sit with our hurt, we're affirming the validity of our emotions. We're saying to ourselves, "It's okay to feel this way," which can be incredibly empowering and comforting.
Creating Space for Healing: Processing our emotions takes time and patience. By sitting with our hurt, we're creating a space for healing to occur naturally. This process allows us to move through our emotions at our own pace, without rushing or forcing ourselves to "get over it."
Building Resilience: Learning to sit with our hurt builds emotional resilience. It teaches us that we can tolerate discomfort and navigate difficult emotions without being overwhelmed. This resilience is invaluable in facing future challenges and setbacks.
It's important to note that sitting with the hurt doesn't mean staying stuck in negative emotions indefinitely. It's a temporary state that allows us to process and eventually release those emotions. Eventually, with time and self-compassion, we can move forward from our hurt, integrating the lessons learned and growing stronger as an individual and as a relationship in the process.
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