How to Practice Reflective Listening

1. Give Undivided Attention

   • Focus on the Speaker: Minimize or eliminate distractions and give your full attention to the speaker. Use open body language (e.g., uncrossed arms), nod your head, and focus on what you hear to signal your attentiveness.

   • Reduce Distractions: Set down your phone. Turn off or silence electronic devices and minimize interruptions by going somewhere private to ensure the speaker feels heard and valued.

2. Listen Actively

   • Listen not only to the words being spoken but also to the speaker’s tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. These cues convey emotions and additional meaning beyond the words.

   • Refrain from interrupting the speaker, allowing them to express themselves fully before responding.

3. Reflect on Their Feelings

   • Acknowledge Emotions: Recognize and acknowledge the emotions expressed by the speaker. Use phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling…” or “I sense that you’re…”

   • Validate Emotions: Show understanding and validation of the speaker’s feelings without judgment.

4. Paraphrase and Summarize

   • Rephrase in Your Own Words: Reflect back what the speaker said in your own words to confirm understanding. For example, “If I understand correctly, you’re saying…”

   • Summarize Key Points: Highlight the main points or concerns shared by the speaker to ensure you’ve grasped the essence of their message.

5. Ask Clarifying Questions

   • Seek Clarification: If there’s ambiguity or if you’re unsure about something, ask open-ended questions for clarification. Avoid leading or closed-ended questions that could limit the speaker’s response.

6. Avoid Judgment or Assumptions

   • Remain Neutral: Refrain from making assumptions, passing judgment, or expressing personal biases during the conversation. Maintain a non-judgmental and objective stance.

   • Respect Perspectives: Even if you disagree (and you likely will at times) with the speaker’s viewpoints, show respect for their perspective.

7. Respond Empathetically

   • Demonstrate Empathy: Respond with empathy and understanding. Use phrases like, “I can understand why you’d feel that way” or “That sounds challenging.”

   • Show Support: Offer support and encouragement when appropriate to convey that you’re there to listen and assist.

8. Use Reflective Statements

   • Provide reflective statements that summarize or mirror the speaker’s thoughts, feelings, or concerns. For instance, “It seems like you’re worried about…” or “You’re feeling frustrated because…” or "You're saying you felt hurt when..."

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

✗ Interrupting

Patience and Active Listening: Interrupting the speaker disrupts the flow of conversation and can make them feel unheard or undervalued. Practice patience by allowing the speaker to express themselves fully before responding. Engage in active listening, and refrain from interjecting with your thoughts or opinions prematurely.

✗ Judgment

Non-Judgmental Attitude: Avoid passing judgment on the speaker’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences. Reflective listening requires maintaining a non-judgmental stance, where you listen objectively without imposing your personal opinions or biases. Refrain from criticizing or evaluating the speaker’s perspective.

✗ Distractions

Focused Attention: Minimize distractions to show respect and attentiveness to the speaker. Put away electronic devices, close unnecessary tabs on your computer, and create an environment conducive to active listening. By eliminating distractions, you signal that the speaker has your undivided attention, fostering a more meaningful exchange.

✗ Only Focused on Details

Finding the Balance: Reflective listening should strike a balance; you don’t need to reflect on every single detail or statement. Instead, focus on capturing the essence of what the speaker is conveying. Focus on the feelings. Selectively reflect on the most critical points or emotions to maintain the conversation’s flow and authenticity.

✗ Disagreeing Right Away

While you will of course disagree at times, wait until it is your turn to speak. You do not have to agree with the speaker to actively listen and provide reflective listening. When you have reflectively listened, you can still validate your partners feelings when providing your perspective. For example, you could say, "I hear that you feel hurt when I (BLANK). I am sorry that hurt you, that was not my intent. Can I share my experience with you? I felt BLANK..."